I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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