i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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