I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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