Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
