I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I looked at my own cervix.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
