So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
apparently the secret to your success is patron
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
