Got a toothbrush?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
