I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
