yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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