So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
