I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
