I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Your penis caused this!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
