god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
