first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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