if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
