I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
