shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Randomize
