WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
