i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
