I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
