I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
