I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
