I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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