It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
