apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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