I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
