At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
