My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
