We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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