A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
