he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
