When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
