I think I won the penis lottery.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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