Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
