Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
