I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
