Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
