i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think I sprained my soul last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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