shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
