It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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