Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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