They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
