It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
