Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
