i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
