Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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