Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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