It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
