btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
