You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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