erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
