How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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