tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
