my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
