Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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