"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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