Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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