I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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